Well this is my first journal entry in such a long time and I guess heaps has happened since my last, and I don't really know where to start so I'll just start from the beginning I guess.

A few days after I posted my last entry I with my family went to see my psychiatrist on a Monday, first I went in alone and she told me that they were admitting me to the Adolescent Mental Health Hospital up in Brisbane. I was kind of shocked, but also expected it to happen. Then they called in my parents, I went and sat down next to my sister in the waiting room, paused, then told her I was being admitted, she was really shocked then I asked if she'd like to go on a walk with me while the parents were in there.

So my first and second shifts at work were cancelled because of this but my work is great and they said I could have of a year if I have troubles and still come back and have a job there, they're lovely. So I was driven to Brisbane the following Wednesday by my shrink with my family in the car also(except my little sister and older brother). At first I was really scared, and felt the deepest feeling of lonelyness, I was escorted in and after they thoroughly looked through every item in my bag and confiscated some items. Like my deoderant, belt, shaving razor, cellphone, wallet, lighters. Then watching through bars my family leave as I shivered from the floor above ground level (floor were the adolescent unit was), the unit I was in only held 12 kids at a time from 12 - 17 years old, when I got there, there were 3 skitzophrenic patients, 3 anorexic patients, and 2 suicidal patients, though this changed with patients being admitted and being discharged.

It was scary at first but after a few days I began to feel really safe in there, alot safer then at home, a place where I felt I could reside and dwell without people giving a shit. It was calming except for when patients would go mental or when the nurses/psychologists/psychiatrists would talk to you. Only a couple patients went wild and physically had to be restrained and thrown into solitary(a padded cell I guess you'd look at it as). The psychologist assigned to you would talk to me twice a day, the psychiatrist about twice a week, then nurses would constantely talk to you and try get things out of you.

It was very routinal in there, in the morning it started with breakfast brought down, then a community meeting, then school(1 hour), then lunch brought down, then school(another hour), then group, then dinner brought down and visiting time was between 6pm-8pm.

There were like 4 showers and 4 toilets in there, it made me feel kind of cosy with plenty to pick from, and I could pick one that was hidden around a corner, but I then realised that anyone could unlock them from the outside with a simple twist of the handle, arrrggg, kinda scary. If you were in there for longer then 10 minutes they'd come knock on the door and demand you open it now or they would to make sure you're okay and not up to anything. And the showers had really realllly lousy water pressure, complaining does nothing though so best just accept it, atleast they were warm though.

Almost all of the kids in there were so nice, except one skitzophrenic boy who would lash out at the girls randomly, he was a homosexual. And one of the anorexic girls(Gecinta) fancy'd me but I am taken and she was 14, she was lovely though, it was sad in a ways when I was discharged, they all hugged me(even though physical contact of all kind is unallowed, haha those rulebreakers) and made me cards. OHH, and when I got there I was talking to this girl and found out she goes to my school, in my grade, and we'd never even seen eachother before, very shocked I was. The hospital I was sent to was 1 1/2 hours drive from where I live, because where I live there is only a adults ward and they are apparently alot more scary then the childrens unit. So I'm lucky they didn't put me in the adults ward I suppose, but if I was atleast my friends could have visited me(though I didn't tell any of my friends I was in there, told them I had the flu). None of my friends know I have problems, but I could have used some support so maybe I should have told them so they could have rung me.

In there there was no coffee except decaf allowed, arrgg, painful to only have decaf coffee. On my third night there my room-mate stole the aluminium-foil of the ceal of a chocolate drink mix tin and went into his room and tried cutting with it, but he was caught by a nurse. For lunch the sandwiches they give you are strange, one slice of bread is white bread and the other is wholemeal, strange lol. Oh, and when you're asleep the nurses come and shine a torch on your face every 15 minutes to see if you're sleeping, if you're awake they write it down so they know that you weren't sleeping.

What I hated MOST about hospital was that they would write down EVERYTHING, like EVERYTHING, and when your parents came int they would open up your file and tell them everything, it was so disturbing.

Well that is kind of an outside view of hospital, my own time there was alot more scary. The whole trapped/confined feeling. Then sneaking in a razorblade and using it in the bathroom, then waking up and finding the blood on your sheets and freaking out because the nurses will see it. Then wake up screaming some nights from nightmares and within a few seconds hear running then nurses bursting in surrounding you shining torches in your face. They try their best to make such a place comfortable, but it's impossible. It's dreadful, a place I sometimes have nightmares of, being trapped in a mental hospital is a much scarier thought for me now that I've been there, I'd hate to go back.

But I'm thinking one day soon I will...



<3 always my angel <3